I have been thinking lately, that I am getting older with every waking minute and I need to get my ducks in a row. Yeah, I have a beautiful home, I have nice wheels, but I just well, need something more in my life. I just turned, well, lets just say I am in my thirties and I have absolutely no children. All my sister and brothers kids are all in there teenage years and I haven't even had a child of my own yet. Yeah, I know, they had there children when they were 18-19- and 20, and well they should be in there teen years, and that shouldn't make a difference. But now in my life, I really need time. Time to think what the next chapter in my life will bring. Do I truly want kids or do I like the idea of having kids, because everyone around me has them? I guess I have not had any children, because I like to travel and having a child would make that so much harder. Yes, I know there are people who travel with children, but I guess I just don't know..
I am getting to the point where I feel kids in my life are important and my husband on the other had feels that life with kids is a hassle. Hey, I am not getting any younger. All my friends and family are starting families or they already have 2-3-4 kids and I have none. Yeah, I blame that completely on myself for not wanting kids when I was in my 20's but come on already, I am in my 30's now.
I guess, I can come right out there and say it, when I was in my 20 I was on a lot of birth control and now, my husband and I might not be able to conceive. We have been making love for 7 years without using any kind of protection and every month my friend comes. Yes, disappointing. I go to church every Sunday and pray to become pregnant, and then the next month rolls by and it repeats itself all over. Am I ever going to become pregnant? I bought ovulation testers and they never worked.
My husband on the other hand is content with just him and I. But I feel there is something missing in my life and I guess I just want more. I guess we have never really talked about the whole topic of having a family, he just makes wise cracks at me when we are in the store about kids. I never know if he is serious about starting a family or not. How do I come right out and ask him?
A few months ago, he went and got his sperm count test all by himself and I thought wow, maybe he is telling me something and then when we get the results back they are not very good. The doctor told us that he needs to have an operation to become fertile. But the worst thing about the surgery is that if he has it done, and it goes wrong, he might not be able to use his tool. If you understand what I am telling you. I am scared for him and for myself, for I like the pleasure his tool provides. But my big question is what do I do about this whole baby issue, will it eventually go away or will I have to to live with the consequences of not having any children of my own and just live each day to the fullest. I don't know!!