My world

My world

Thursday, October 21, 2010

My new job

I never knew what it is like to like my job... I like my new job, it is kind of relaxing, but still busy.  The patients are different, and it is so exciting to finally have something different.  I am so proud of my self for doing good in the interview.  I did not expect to get something new or different but I accomplished something amazing and I am very proud of my self for getting Dale and I back on awesome hours.  It is so exciting to finally have a job that the hours are worth the job... I am so happy...

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Doctor #1

Today Dale and I had our first appointment with the doctor.  You never know how it will go but for the most part I think the appointment, went very well, I love my fertility doctor which that makes all the difference in the world. She is very nice. She talks to you as a human, and she can really relate to us..  It is very nice to finally talk with someone who knows what the heck is going on.  It makes all the difference in the world.  I am getting nervous for our appointment that is next week because they are planning on doing an internal Ultrasound to see how thick my uterine lining is and to see if it care actually bear child birthing process..  We are also looking for cysts on my ovaries.  I also have many many days of lab work... I have a thyroid problem so that does not help with our fertility issues.  I am getting more excited but they did say it could take up to one -two years to actually achieve a pregnancy.  I will defiantly take my chances, totally worth it.  The next two weeks every other day I have lots of lab work.. I am going to look like a sprinkler when they get done with me.. I am not nervous about needles so lab work to me is  a piece of cake.  I am just anxious for the Ultrasound.  but I will be fine and it will be over.

I have ordered a couple of new medications, that will help my fertility that the doctor prescribed.  Dale is also going to start taking clomid.  Not sure what will happen with both of us high on fertility drugs.... Maybe a little fun on this end... Who know, we are willing to try anything at this point.  I guess one day at a time is all we can do right now.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Its about time!

Well, I have been waiting for this day for 4 months, tomorrow is the day I finally go to the fertility clinic finally see a doctor and start figuring out what is really going on.  Has anyone heard of the medication Fertile CM, well the doctor wants me to start taking it..  I am not sure, have to sit down and read some reviews on it.  However, I did order the medication, because I want to be compliant with the whole program and not half of it....Tomorrow is the big day, wish me luck!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Things are coming together..

My life has been a roller coaster lately.  I have been in the mist of finding a new job with better hours, and trying to become pregnant, both have been very frustrating.
I am glad to say I have accepted a position at work for Ambulatory/ GI surgery RN.. One of the two topics is finally complete.  Oh.....and this morning I got the call from the fertility clinic that I will be able to have my 1st appointment with the doctor, on Tuesday, October 12th... I am excited.... There are so many good changes happen to Dale and I in such a quick time, everything is starting to fall into place...  =)

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Life and changes

So, I went to my fertility meeting on Thursday, Dale did not want to go with me, so I let him stay home.  He is just so sick of the teacher of the fertility clinic, I personally do not blame him.  I got up enough nerve to tell her that I was not coming back for our last appointment and that we were making other arrangements to learn the charting... Lets just say, she wasn't completely happy with me but telling you the truth, I really don't care.  It is supposed to be a happy time, but she makes it very stressful and with everything else I am going through right now, I can't deal with that extra stress..
So, were planning on just waiting for first appointment with the Doctor in Novemeber.  Hopefully that will go good and she will tell us what we want to hear.  Maybe we will get in earlier, because we are on her waiting list and we are number 3 on that list, wish us luck for that...
I have been having issues lately with my job and I really want a new one but, seriously I only work 3 days a week, is it really all that bad.  Not really,  I love spending all that time with Dale and when we take vacation, I only have to worry about 3 days, I am not sure what I am going to do...  I guess going to work at 3 am in the morning is what kills me because, I absolutely hate coming to work for 3 am but, at least I have a job...
I am looking out for online bushiness's so maybe one day, I will be able to be a stay at home mom, I guess first I have to find a business that I enjoy and secondly I need to become pregnant, so hats off to baby making~at least we will have fun.....

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Challenges for the week

Yesterday, I had a phone interview for the operating room position here in Stevens Point.  I personally hate phone interviews because you never know how well they really go because you can't see the person through the phone.  I just hope they call back for a real life interview.  I just wished it would have went a little better.  I wished that every single job description that I read~ didn't read, experience needed.  That really puts a damper on finding a new job. But any who.....
So for the baby topic, we are not pregnant,  I am really tired lately and getting depressed but I think it has to do with the stress in my life. Dale and I are thinking of forgetting to do the whole fertility clinic here in Stevens Point, and maybe taking a trip to Madison for there in-vitro insemination.  I was told by a very educated doctor at work that they charge 600 dollars for the procedure.  Should we just go and spend the 600 dollars right off the bat or should we wait this whole fertility clinic thing out and possibly spend more money?  I guess, at this point I am not to sure what to do... What is your thoughts on the whole in-vitro or should I remain in my fertility clinic and see how it pans out..  I am so lost right now...

Monday, September 13, 2010

What to do....

So, I interviewed for a dialysis nursing position about a week and a half ago, and was turned down.  They wanted someone with experience.  I guess I was out bet by someone who has 6-7 years of experience in dialysis.  Good for her sad for me {tear}. I really wanted to get out of my job.  I guess the perfect job isn't ready for me yet.  I will keep looking.  I guess though they did tell me that they interview 25+ people and I was runner up.  But runner up is never going to get you a job unless, the other person drops out of the job.  I guess, I am on the path of looking for a new job... I just need something new!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

3rd appointment with Fertility

Well, today wasn't so bad at the fertility clinic.  We discussed our next steps, and we also got moved up on the to wait list for the doctor, so that is very exciting.   The nurse told us today that I will need some shots in the butt for the process of becoming pregnant, I am not so excited about shots in the butt...OUCH...  Oh, and Dale the man who is completely afraid of blood has to give them to me.  God help us, guide him though the next challenges of our lives... Until next time, have a wonderful evening........

Saturday, September 4, 2010


Change is supposed to be good, so why do I feel so wired and stir crazy.  You are probably wondering what is she talking about.  I had a job interview on Friday at Aspirus Dialysis clinic in Wausau, and I think they are going to offer me a job there. They are actually calling all my references!!  Which is a good thing, and I am Excited... Emotional as well.  I like my job now but it is too stressful and I just need something different.  3 days a week is nice but not if you have to wake up at 1:30 am in the morning.  You just never feel like a person.  The new job is 545 am-545 pm and occasional on-call.  It is all days.. Nice right.  Never have to work another Sunday, maybe one call but not have to dedicate the time to actually go to work then.
I am just not too sure about the drive to Aspirus 4 days a week.  It is 45 minutes one way.  Yeah, I know I have problems.  But it would be an AWESOME experience.  I just keep telling myself that it will be okay, but if I switch jobs, we may never get the loan to finish the house.  Dale says just take it, but I always look into the future and wonder what the future will hold for us.  Maybe I am looking to far into it, because they never even offered the job to me yet!  I am not sure, if I take a new job, where this whole baby topic will began.  Unsure of many things in my life right now, but, we will see....

Friday, August 27, 2010

Tearful my life story!

Lately I have been an emotional wreck and I absolutely hate it...  I am not a person who cry's, what is wrong with me?  And you are probably thinking, you are pregnant, wrongo.... My friend is visiting.  I am just starting to wonder if I am ever going to become pregnant.  I am starting to think that I will never have that opportunity.  Is god testing us?  Does he have better plans for me and my family?  I am not sure, and I am not sure if I will ever know.
I want a baby, not because I WANT one; it is because Dale and I have so much love that we could provide for a child.  I want my child not to be afraid of her/his parents like I was afraid of mine.

Information about my life that has NEVER been posted or talked about.  When I was young, my whole life young, I only can remember a handful of good, happy thoughts.  I was a child of abuse, my dad would have anger issues and he took them out on us kids.  Anything that was in his hand he would hit us with no matter how soft or hard they were. If you cried he would hit you harder until you stopped crying.  Did you ever get hit with rubber hoses, metal tools, fly sweaters and not the flimsy part~ I mean the metal part, how about a tractor chain, sticks, and just about anything else for doing NOTHING wrong.   I remember my mom just sat in the back ground, ignoring the whole situation, like it wasn't even happening.  That is probably why I don't cry.  I never want to cry.  My husband always wondered why I don't talk and eat at the same time.  Well, if we talked we would get hit with his fork on the top of our heads.  The table was for my mother and father to catch up on the day, not for the kids to make nonsense.  I always felt we were a pain to have in there life and that we ruined there life.  Sometimes I wished I would die, just to make there life better.
I remember, a time in my senior year, where I lost most of all my friends because they claimed I was crabby all the time, I wasn't crabby I just shut myself out.  I was getting thrown out of the house, home life was getting worse and worse.  Beating were unbearable.  If I didn't have friends I knew they could never find out of what was going on in my life.  I wore baggy clothes to cover up the bruises and the welts. In gym class I never walked with my friends,  I ran just to get the anger out.  I have to say, I did loose a lot of my friends when I was a senior, but that is the only way I knew how I could deal with the pain and the emotional roller coaster I was riding.  I was hurt when my friends left nasty post its on my locker, but I was to the point that I didn't care.  I just need someone,one friend but at that point I had no one.  I had already chased everyone away.
I dreamt of a wonderful family.  I dreamt of having my friends family as my parents (you know who you are Shawn and Mel).  I was actually jealous of you.   I remember lying to my parents just to go out with my friends, lying got old in my senior year, I just couldn't deal with the lies anymore.  I couldn't deal with my self anymore.  There was times where I just wanted to take the razor out of  my shaver and just slash my wrist.  But, I knew that wasn't the answer.  Every day I was told I wasn't good enough no one would want me. I never did anything right.  I never could be good enough.  Don't get me wrong I totally loved my parents, I just feel they handled every situation the wrong way. And yes there was time in my life when I wished my dad was dead, but now I miss him completely.  He was a great dad when I moved out of the house, just the 17 years living with him was killing me.
As an adult, I look back and think, I COMPLETELY PROVED YOU WRONG..  I AM GOOD ENOUGH, I found my one true love, my best friend, and yes I AM GOOD ENOUGH.  I went to school and got my RN, and yes I AM GOOD ENOUGH, I built two new homes in my life and yes I AM GOOD ENOUGH, I have many wonderful people in my life and yes I AM GOOD ENOUGH.  I owe everything to you because I AM GOOD ENOUGH, and thank you for letting me think that I was never good enough because, it always made me want to prove you wrong, I always wanted more, because I AM GOOD ENOUGH.... And I am happy!!!

Thursday, August 26, 2010


Sometimes the hardest decision to make is the one that is best for you. But in the end you have to trust your heart to do what is right.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Adding more stress on to my life!!!

So, lately I have been in search for a new job, maybe a little less stressful.  Today, however I got a call from ASPIRUS and they offered to interview me.  I am so excited.  I have about 1 1/2 weeks until I get interviewed so I guess, I better get on the internet and look up good interview questions and information.  I am excited and hopefully it will be a dream job come true, but if not then I will just stay right where I am at, with a schedule that I hate but like.  I love 3 days a week, but hate weekends and I absolutely hate getting up at 1:30 am  in the morning.  I am not sure what I am going to do but wait until September because a lot of fun things are happening for us in September.  Wish me luck!!!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Results of fertility appointment RN #1

It totally sucked...... Sorry about the language, but I really need to get this off my chest...
So on Wednesday Dale and I had an appointment with Annette our fertility clinic nurse.  I guess it didn't go as we planned because Dale and I were so irritated when we left her office.  This is supposed to be the most special time 2 people share.  She totally pissed me off.  First she stated that I was not charting right, rolled her eyes and said, "What were you thinking, coming in here with a chart looking like this."  What the hell is she talking about, I did everything she told me to do.  What a bitch... I can not wait until I met with the doctors in November hopefully they will start me on some estrogen or clomid.  I personally don't think she knows what she is doing.  She does not make the environment very friendly or nice to come back too.  Dale now does not want to go to the last 3 appointments with me.  If you ever met my husband he is the easiest person to get along with.  But Dales and Annettes personalties didn't click, including my own personality.  We are supposed to meet every two weeks and again we have to wait FOUR weeks.  Not because of my schedule and not Dales schedule but because of hers.  I said to her well how about August 22nd, she said "No, I am on vacation, "well than how about the last week of august."  Her response was "No because I will be in the office a lone, and I not scheduling anyone that whole week."  WTF...  Why even have her office open that week then, what is she planning on doing, getting paid for nothing.  I am seriously writing a compliant.  I usually do not write complaints but this is a LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE and it should be enjoyable and exciting but she is making it very stressful and unbearable. I am so mad about it.  Seriously do you think I should write a complaint or should I just let it slide.
 Dale and I are seriously thinking about just holding off for a while because Dale is really stressed out about the whole situation.  I personally want to try for one year, and if nothing happens, we might be taking a trip to Africa or China to adopt our first child..  I guess I hope it happens for us because I just want to experience all of mama hood.... Not just bits and pieces of it...
Please give  me suggestions to what you think I should do, for this is a very exciting life changing time for Dale and I. I am just lost for words...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Appointment with Fertility RN #1

So today, I have an appointment with the fertility RN.  I am having so many mixed feelings about this whole adventure.  Yeah, it will be great to have one of these appointments behind us but we still have 3 more RN appointments before we see the doctor.  I am not all that excited about it. I almost feel like they are wasting our time.  I am not as excited about this fertility clinic as I was a month ago.   I guess I just want to hurry up and see the doctor. I do not care to play in my mucus.  I personally find it very gross.  I am not okay with the whole situation.  They said it would get easier, but it has not.  For me, it has gotten worse.  Who wants to play in there mucus, before and after they go to the bathroom.  I guess not me.  I keep telling myself that if this is the way I am going to get pregnant then, this what we will do, but I am loosing that momentum.  I am not sure what to think at this point in life.  Maybe for Dale and I, children was never supposed to be in the plan.  I am so confused and I have so many different thoughts, and I personally don't know which way I am being pulled right now.  I am lost for words.  I am positive but today, I guess, I just have mixed feelings and I am just feeling little down.  I am not sure where all these mixed feelings are coming from.  I am thinking it is either I am depressed about vacation being over or going back to work tomorrow.  I am just uncertain what life will bring for Dale and I.  I keep asking myself, "Would I be okay without children."  My simple answer to that question is, "Yes, if we turn into hermits and stay home all the time."  Otherwise no, I do not think I will be okay without children in our life.  A few years ago I was certain I NEVER wanted children in my life, but now I really want to start my perfect little family.  I just wished for Dale and I it wasn't so Dang hard.  I guess god has other plans for us or he just thinks we need to work extra hard to get a child.  I am going to do what it takes but dang, it is so hard to want something so badly and not be able achieve.     I asked Dale the other day how badly he wanted kids on a 1-10 scale and his answer was 7-8.  That to me is pretty high on the numbers scale.  I just hope I have the power to give him an offspring, and if I can't I just don't know what life's next chapter will bring for us.  I will keep you posted on my fertility appointment today..  Post comments if you wish....

Monday, August 2, 2010

Self Diagnosis

So lately I have been reading a lot of information on infertility and I think I figured it out.  All this time  I was thinking it was Dale but, I actually think it is me.  So again my friend visited.  Same like every month, 2 days of light spotting before and then one very mild day of bleeding and then one more day of spotting and then I am done.  Kind of nice, don't you think?  Not if your trying to conceive it's not nice.  Well, I am going to self diagnosis my self as having premenstrual spotting.  How original is that?  Seriously this is a condition.  It is spotting before the period because of premature breakdown of capillaries in the lining of the uterus.  When you have this you have a decreased production of progesterone.  Maybe if I get on progesterone I might end up pregnant.  But wait there is more, woman who have premenstrual bleeding have the tendency to be infertile or have higher rate of miscarriages. I don't want to have a miscarriage, so that is a little bit scary. I also read that this condition can lead to Premenstrual Syndrome, which I will discuss in a later post.  I guess I have to wait until November before I see a real doctor :) Getting more and more excited as the time gets closer.  Come on; November will be here pretty dang quick and we all know it!!!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

In Vitro Fertilization

Infertility is the inability of a couple to become pregnant (regardless of cause) after 1 year of unprotected sexual intercourse -using no birth control methods. For Dale and I it has been 10 years with no innocents or close calls.
Infertility affects about 6.1 million people in the United States, about 10% of men and women of reproductive age. New and advanced technologies to help a woman become pregnant include in vitro fertilization (IVF), 
intracytoplasmic sperm injection(ICSI), and other similar procedures.  IVF offers infertile couples a chance to have a child who is biologically related to them.  With IVF, a method of assisted reproduction, a man's sperm and the woman's egg are combined in a laboratory dish, where fertilization occurs. The resulting embryo is then transferred to the woman's uterus (womb) to implant and develop naturally. Usually, 2-4 embryos are placed in the woman's uterus at one time. Each attempt is called a cycle.  The term test tube baby is often used to refer to children conceived with this technique. I am not sure if I like that so called term or name for the baby.  Less than 5% of infertile couples actually use IVF. IVF is usually the treatment of choice for a woman with blocked, severely damaged, or no fallopian tubes. IVF is also used to overcome infertility caused by endometriosis or problems with the man's sperm (such as low sperm count). Couples who simply can't conceive and have tried other infertility methods that have not worked for them can also try IVF.  I think this is our next step.  In a year, we will decide if we want to spend 12-40 thousand dollars on this method.  We will see how the Creighton Model works for us first then we will be trying other methods of conceiving.  I just hope something works for Dale and I.  I will keep a positive attitude :)  That is all I can do for now!  Hope it works for me!  Much needed prayers needed.


Dale and I were talking about the whole baby topic which has been getting a lot easier for both of us.  Yesterday we discussed what sex of a child we both wanted, and to my surprise Dale wants a girl, just as long as it takes his personality.  He said we might be in trouble if it takes my personality.  huh!! We will see when that actually happens for us, but we will do what we can to produce a child.  I hope it happens for us, but if it doesn't I guess there is other alternatives.  I am just going to keep a positive attitude and maybe things will happen for us :)  We sure need your prayers...Thank you!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Creighton Model FertilityCare System

So  you are probably thinking to yourself this is a really crazy way to become pregnant.  I guess they say it is 99.8 percent effective to conceive a child to done completely with this model.  With this system it allows you to learn how to count your cycles by accurately reading and observing the cervical mucus.  This system can be used for conceiving a child or preventing a child from being conceived.  It can also be used for maintaining good gynecological health.  I think maybe this system will work for Dale and I.  I am going to give it a shot.  I know your all probably thinking what the heck is she wasting her time with this for?  But really am I wasting my time or is my dream and belief big enough that it will happen eventually.  
With this system the couple is taught the ability to mutually value, respect, and understand each others fertility.  With this system the woman watches for fertile days by watching the cervical mucus by assessing its appearance and texture.  Did you know that the true sexuality is learned in a simple word such as SPICE?  Spice stands for Spiritual, physical, intellectual, creative, and emotional.    Many at which I have to learn and I have to become better at.  I will do everything in my power to achieve this one goal.  Dale and I have decided to try for one year and if it doesn't happen, well we will look at other alternatives.  I just want to do one step at a time.   I am to the point where with normal fertility we are not getting anything out of it beside enjoyment.  I just want to experience that special gift from god, a baby of our own.

Monday, July 26, 2010

NaProTechnology A Contemporary approach to conceive....

You are probably wonder what is she talking about??  Naprotechnology is counting the days when you are ovulating by using a natural way to conceive children.  I actually check my cervical mucus every time I urinate.  Yeah, it sounds way funner than it really is.  But, if this is the only way Dale and I can conceive our children I will do anything in my power to be as up beat about it as I can about the whole disgusting situation.  Dale and I hope to become pregnant before next January... But we will see.....We have a long road a head of us.  I just wished it would be a little less frustrating and be a lot more simple for us..  But we are both very strong individuals we will make it through this whole situation and maybe next summer we will have a wee little one that completely flips our world up side down with all the love we have to share.  But, Dale and I are not sure of what life has planned for us, but  I am totally hoping that god has children in our plans.
We actually see our fertility doctors in November so maybe we will get started on some medication and soon we will have a so called, "BUN IN THE OVEN."
Have a great day!!!

Monday, July 5, 2010

A lot about nothing.

So that July 16th date is creeping up slowly, but I think I am going to invest in a digital ovulation tester anyways.  Maybe that will help me realize when I am truly ovulating.  We will see what good ol' Dale says about that!
So, jumping on to another subject, I haven't talked to my mother since probably Mothers day and she was such in a hurry she didn't care what I had to say.  I guess its all about her again, like usual.  I just have to adjust my life with her NOT in it.  I thought maybe I was going to tell her that Dale and I were trying to have a baby, but then I realized, maybe that wouldn't be such a great idea for then the whole family would think Dale and I were incapable of having children.  Which really wouldn't be that far from the truth, it just would be harder if the whole family decided to start gossiping about the whole dang topic amongst themselves.  Sometimes family just stink, my family has never gotten along as long as I can remember, everyone is always mad at someone.  It so sucks that my family can't be as close as I would like us all to be.  I know for sure that if have a family we will be a closely nit family.  I guess with me, I just wanted to tel my mother so maybe I  I could confine in someone, but I am so glad my gut told me not to tell her at all.  I am not sure if she will even know when I am pregnant if I ever get the chance to become prego.  I guess, sometimes you just have to completely cut ties with people no matter how hard it can be.
For now,  I am okay with blogging about it on here, but to have a close friend, to talk to besides Dale would maybe help matters.  I wouldn't say I have any really close friends, for I have never in my life had a best friend until I met my husband.  Sometimes, he just kind of brushes me off about the whole baby topic, he says he wants children, but I think he doesn't know how to respond to us not being able to carry out that dream of starting a family.  I feel so worthless sometimes, just thinking I can not give him a child.  Is it me,  is it him, or is it both of us with the problem?  Who knows, but soon we will learn how to count and we will see the doctors around the end of September and first part of October, keep us in your prayers~ for we will greatly appreciate prayers coming our way!!!
Hope everyone had a great 4th of July weekend!!!

Friday, July 2, 2010


So yesterday afternoon, I got the call for the fertility clinic and they want to readjust my appointment, because they were having some big meeting or something on the day that we were going to meet.  So I guess instead of going on July 23, we will now be having the appointment on July 16th.  I am so glad it is a week earlier and not a week later.  Dale and I are getting excited to go to the fertility clinic together, and he even said he was going to go to each appointment with me.  So hopefully we will finally get this ball a rolling, or should I say this bread a baking!!!  Hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July weekend, and be safe...

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Breaking Point

So yesterday, was my breaking point, don't know if it is because I am on straight nights for a month or because my friend that comes every month is visiting.  But I am an emotional wreck.  I just lost it at work when I got there, this whole baby topic is getting the best of me.  That is all I see at work is pregnant people, I am starting to really hate going to work for that one factor.  It sucks..  Yeah, I know like everyone says if it is meant to happen it will.  What  a line of BS.  It hasn't happened people in ten years with NO protection.  I personally want it to happen but I am losing complete faith on the whole topic.  I am not sure if I am strong enough to with stand all these emotions that are built up inside of me.   This whole emotional roller coaster is killing me and I want to get on a much smoother ride.  What is truly happening here, am I getting punished for things I did in my past, because if that is the case, I wish I could erase some of the things I did in my past, But I am afraid it is too late for that.  I just have to live each day to the fullest and enjoy every waking hour with or without children in my future.

Friday, June 25, 2010


So I have been doing a lot of reading on this whole pregnancy topic and I decided that I am going to ask the doctor about getting on clomid.  It is an ovulation medication that is 30 % effective.  So hopefully within the next 6 months I will be with child.  I read in one article that the chances of having twins is about 50% so lets just pray that I am in that 50%.  One child is good but 2 right away would be better.  Then I don't have to go through the whole birthing process twice, once would be a charm.  I know I have heard many good birthing stories, but I have heard many horrid birthing experiences.  I think one time going through the whole deal would be PERFECT!!  
So getting back to the medication, which is completely healthy to take because it helps you increase your ovulation.  What the medication does is it helps infertile woman become pregnant.  It works by causing an egg to mature and be released from the ovaries.  Clomid has to be taken once daily for 5 days during the menses cycle.  So hopefully this medication will help me become pregnant.  The only bad part about the whole medication is the side effects, which could lead you to think you are pregnant even if you are not.  The other side effects of the medication include hot flashes, breast pain, and vision changes. None of these sound great to me. Not sure what to do.  It also stated that Tylenol helps with the side effects of the mediation.  I guess I have to wait to see how my clinic appointment goes at the fertility clinic in a month.  
Now, I am going to get into some personal issues such as how irregular I have been with my periods for the last 10 years.  I have always wondered how it would be to have a normal menses cycle.  I don't think I have ever had a normal month or a normal period.  So it all started on a sunny day back when I was 18.  Yes, I first got my period during the last month of my senior year in high school.  All my friends talked about how grown up they all were because they all had there periods before they were 13 years old.  Me on the other hand, kept quiet, and just pretended that I was experiencing the same thing.  Not so much, I didn't experience that until 4-5 years after everyone else in my grade experienced it.  Thankful for that of course.  But ever since than I have never had a consistent period.  
I can go one month without having it, to having it for one day of spotting, to having a very cramping menses that lasts up to 3 days. crazy as that sounds, I think it is from all the birth control I was on in life.  I  was on birth control for at least 8-9 years or longer, because the doctor tried to regulate my periods more, but I think it caused more damage than good.  I am not sure what to expect.  Now, my husband and I have a hard time conceiving  and we are not sure exactly why.  I guess with my appointment being less than a month away, I am getting more and more excited about finding ways how to become a mom.  I guess, if I can not have my own children, I will see if we can adopt or if we can take in foster kids, I guess I am not sure what these next two years hold for us!!  I just keep praying that the good lord thinks we are good enough to have a family of our own.  Or maybe he has other plans for us, we will see what happens.... I will keep you posted!!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Is this right or wrong

I have a friend at work who definitely does not want children and she is getting married in October to a man who wants a child very badly.  She told me last night that she is going to go and get her tubes tied  before she gets married because she does not want to take any chances.  Is this right, doing something that could affect her and her husbands future.  I explained to her that if it is that big of a deal she should discuss it with her boyfriend, if she is feeling this way about children.  She then told me that she isn't even going to tell her boyfriend, she is just going in and getting it done.  She also stated that it is her body and she is going to do anything in her power to make sure she never gets pregnant.  She is 26 years old, does she really know what she wants??  I didn't want children at that age either, but now 6 years later my mind set has changed, and I am having a hard time becoming pregnant.  What is wrong with people?  I guess, thankfully she realized it now before she has children and something bad happens..  What do you think about this situation?

Sunday, June 13, 2010

A bad situation mixed with good

I have this friend at work who is 21 years old and told me the other day that she has endometrosis really bad that they told she needed a hysterectomy within the year.  She was talking to me about this the other night on my morning shift.  She told me she told the doctors to hold back on the hysterectomy for 2 years so she can have a child or try to have a child, because she really wants to be a mom.  I thought well that is sweet, until I heard her plans.  The worse thing about this whole situation is that she is not married nor does she have a boyfriend.  She said that she was going to find a random guy in the bar and have a child with them.  I think that is a very unsafe thing to do.  I also think it is a very immature thing to even consider.  Just think of all the STD's that she could get or even worse HIV or AIDS.  A worse case scenario could lead to her death, for tricking the boy or just the night of fire and fun going wrong.  She thinks she is invincible.  I prayed for her at church today to find a different pathway for her misfortune and move on, she is way to young to destroy her life.  No one to share the love for the child with her but herself and family members.  This would be a beginning of a disaster.   I feel for her and her endometrosis but there has got to be some common sense too.  I guess after hearing about her story, I guess my life ain't bad.  I am just wanting a child of my own, but at least maybe with special doctors and tests, maybe it will happen within a year or two.  I am getting inpatient for my meeting with the fertility clinic on JULY 23.  I just keep praying that I will have an offspring by next year and Dale and I will cherish every living moment of it!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Good and Bad

Well, I am a new proud great aunt of Kenslee Elaine King.  She is a beautiful baby.  I am so excited for Jill and Vince, they will be Rawken parents.  Is it bad to say I am a little jealous.  Everywhere I go, I either see pregnant ladies or new born baby's and I guess, I just get a little bit upset.  Tearful and waterworks start to form.  Why is it that people who want children have to try so hard to have them, but people who don't want them have all the opportunity, and then they either have an abortion or an adoption.  It gets me so mad and hurts so hard.  I am a firm believer that Dale and I would be great parents.  I mean Brittany turned out great.  She was my niece who moved in with us about 2 years ago now, and she had a lot of problems.  She was on drugs, drank a lot of alcohol, and was in and out of police stations and court.  She moved in here, and yes she still drinks, but she no longer is on drugs or in court.  When she first moved in here she was on a down ward slope going now where and had no one that believed in her.  She also had no one  who cared enough for her to give her that extra needed attention that she needed and deserved. I am so proud of Brittany who is the daughter I never had or possibly CAN'T have.  I guess I have to be happy at what I do have in life, like a new home that is half finished; a wonderful man who I love and adore; puppies and kitties; and just everything else that life has to bring me, but I just wish I could have one child.  I guess we will see what my appointment leads to on July 23... Wish me luck!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Looking ahead!

Last night we had graduation for our nephew at the Wausau High School.  It was a nice ceremony for a high school graduation.  On the way to Wausau, Dale and I talked about what our future holds for us.  We are so excited that next year we will finally be living in our home.  If Dale and I do not get prego in a year, we are planning on adopting or doing foster care.  There are so many children who need foster care and there are not enough foster families available.  Dale and I have decided that is the next thing in our life that we want to do.  I believe that we were put on earth to help children.  I believe that would be very fulfilling.  I think it would be very rewarding to start a foster family even if it is only for  a little while.  I think the only hard thing would be is when they go back to there living situation, we would be heart broken .  I however;  read in the paper that you can be a foster parent and then adopt the child after a 6 month period.  I think that would be right up our alley.  I am getting so excited for the next two years I can hardly even sit still.  I think parenting someone else's kids was what what we were intended to do with our lives.  I personally don't think Dale and I have to have our own child to be complete or fulfilled, I think we are already complete without children and I believe we have a lot of love to share with any children.  

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Hard times

I am not sure if I am ready for this challenge.  I am not even sure if I am strong enough either.  I need encouragement or do I just need courage?  This past weekend was my weekend to work, and all hell broke lose, making me double think the ideas I have in my head.  I don't know if my readers know what career I have, but at times it is challenging and demanding.  I am a Nurse at a local hospital in Wisconsin.  I love my job, but like I said at times it can totally pull at your heart strings.  Well, this past weekend was a big challenge for me and this whole topic on babies.  I had 3 little pleasantly confused ladies who were greater than 90 years old and every time I went into there rooms they asked me, "Are you married?"  I would say,"yes for about 9 years now."  Then they would ask, "Do you have any children."   I would say, "No."   The one lady said, "Oh, kids aren't for everyone."  Which that comment wasn't the worst.  I just agreed and went on my way to my next patients room. The same questions were asked in that room, only her comment was, "I never had no kids either, I have been a nun for 85 years and I loved my nunnery."  Which  I thought to my self, does she think I am a nun?  But again I went on my way to the next patients room.  Her comment totally surprised the pants off me.  She asked, "Are you married"  I said, "Yes."   Then she asked, "Do you have any children?"   I said, "NO" then her surprising comment was, "Do you need someone to show you how it is done."  I looked at her in shock and said, "Okay now, I need to give you your blood pressure medication."  but the whole time I was thinking what nerve she has to say that to me.  I also thought, my blood pressure was rising and maybe I should take the medication myself.   But I gave her the medication and went on my merry way.   Lets just say be the end of the day I was totally ready to come home to the wonderful man that I love and adore!!

Monday, May 31, 2010

A step forward

So, I did what I wanted to to do, I made an appointment to the fertility clinic.  I have to say It wasn't all that bad, I guess, after actually getting enough nerve to call the clinic to make the appointment.  I am thinking it will get easier as we go.   So my first appointment to the fertility clinic is on July 23rd.  Yeah, I know that is a month away, but with my optimism maybe we will get knocked up before then.  The only thing is Dale has to go with me to the first appointment, and well, at the first appoint they learn you how to count your cycles, that is a totally embarrassing subject to discuss, I really am not comfortable sharing that information with anyone including him.  I personally don't think he even want to know that information about me, after all this our relationship will get even better than what we have now.  It is going to be an exciting process.  He knows when my friend visits, because I am just a little bit cranky because of all the extra hormones running through my body.  It is just an uncomfortable topic to begin with.  I will have to get over my self and move on because if I don't, it will be a long dreadful process ahead of me.  Am I the only woman that feels this way  or  am I just an ordinary gal?  I just hope everything falls into place and next year around this time I am posting ultrasound pictures of the lil turtle.  And a new chapter of my life will begin!!

Friday, May 28, 2010

Another month and no results

So, yes, it has been another month and yep, I am not pregnant.  Just when you think you are your friend comes knocking at your front door.  We have tried but, it is not happening.  We can keep trying, I keep telling myself.  We can keep trying, for its fun trying, right?  But come on already I am 32 and aging. Not much left under this hood.  I guess age really isn't all that big of a deal but I am almost out of the childbearing ages.  I personally don't want to be a 50 year old lady with a new born, that would just be devastating.
I have had many thoughts this week about foster family or adoption or even maybe going to a fertility clinic.
I guess, I will need to make an appointment for the fertility clinic.  We have a fertility clinic here in Stevens Point, Wisconsin, at the hospital.  I just have to get the courage to make an appointment and get something found out about what is going on.  I  guess I just feel a little embarrassed.  How come my sisters all have 2-5 children with no worries in the world.  Why does it have to come down to me with all the problems.  Yes, I know I have a thyroid problem, inherited it from my mother, and heart problems inherited from my dad.  Thanks mom and dad for the inheritance.  But, seriously, can those two things make you not become pregnant?  I am a nurse, but I am not good at this whole child bearing subject.  I was never an OB nurse, or will I ever be.  Its not that I do not like children, because truthfully, I love kids.  I love playing with them, and they can be fun.  I know it is not all fun and games there will be sacrifices and issues that arise, but dang I am ready for the challenge already.  Seriously, it should be a normal process that everyone gets to experience if they choose to.  For a while Dale and I just wanted to be him and I, but now, I just want more.  It is not that Dale and I aren't complete just being him and I, because dang we are so complete it is crazy.
Why does pregnancy have to be so hard? I have no idea, why life has to take on challenges.  Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed,  life is challenging and that I have a great life with an amazing man.  I know life can take its ups and downs, but why when we feel we want something so bad, we are not strong enough to achieve it. I pray to God while in church on Sunday but, sometimes I feel he is not listening.  I feel he has something else in store for Dale and I.  I just wished I knew what it was.  Am I having the right feelings about this whole ordeal, or am I just going crazy.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Talk

So my husband and I sat down finally after a long time and discussed the whole topic on children.  I guess he knows me better than I know myself, because he told me he knew the whole time that I was thinking about starting a family whenever he asked me what I thought of the topic I always shrugged him off.  Yeah, I know being open is better but Dale always made me feel like he wasn't one bit interested in having any children.  But, I am glad that we have finally decided to start a family, either having my own child/children or adopting, it is a wide open topic.  I guess many more late night discussion will have to be done to discuss the other details but for now, I am just glad that we have finally agreed on something.  =)  So yes, I am getting excited by the minute thinking about it!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Best Friend and Pregnancy

 So my best friend is pregnant with her first baby, and I am super excited for her and her husband but I am slightly jealous. Is that wrong?  I never thought that I would want children, now I think I most definitely do.  At 32 I have decided that I want children.  How crazy is that?   But there is only one problem that I am having.  I want to start a family but my hubby has better things to do with his time and feels a family would burden him.  How do you go about this situation, with out a nasty fight or ending in a bad situation.  I have no clue, but dang I am ready already!!!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

The problems of starting a family

I have been thinking lately, that I am getting older with every waking minute  and I need to get my ducks in a row.   Yeah, I have a beautiful home, I have nice wheels, but I just well, need something more in my life.  I just turned, well, lets just say I am in my thirties and I have absolutely no children.  All my sister and brothers kids are all in there teenage years and I haven't even had a child of my own yet.  Yeah, I know, they had there children when they were 18-19- and 20, and well they should be in there teen years, and that shouldn't make a difference.  But now in my life, I really need time.  Time to think what the next chapter in my life will bring.  Do I truly want kids or do I like the idea of having kids, because everyone around me has them?  I guess I have not had any children, because I like to travel and having a child would make that so much harder.  Yes, I know there are people who travel with children, but I guess  I just don't know.. 
I  am getting to the point where I feel kids in my life are important and my husband on the other had feels that life with kids is a hassle.  Hey, I am not getting any younger.  All my friends and family are starting families or they already have 2-3-4 kids and I have none.  Yeah, I blame that completely on myself for not wanting kids when I was in my 20's but come on already, I am in my 30's now.  
I guess, I can come right out there and say it, when I was in my 20 I was on a lot of birth control and now, my husband and I might not be able to conceive.  We have been making love for 7 years without using any kind of protection and every month my friend comes.  Yes, disappointing.  I go to church every Sunday and pray to become pregnant, and then the next month rolls by and it repeats itself all over.  Am I ever going to become pregnant?   I bought ovulation testers and they never worked.  
My husband on the other hand is content with just him and I.  But I feel there is something missing in my life and I guess I just want more.  I guess we have never really talked about the whole topic of having a family, he just makes wise cracks at me when we are in the store about kids.  I never know if he is serious about starting a family or not.  How do I come right out and ask him?  
A few months ago, he went and got his sperm count test all by himself and I thought wow, maybe he is telling me something and then when we get the results back they are not very good.  The doctor told us that he needs to have an operation to become fertile.  But the worst thing about the surgery is that if he has it done, and it goes wrong, he might not be able to use his tool.  If you understand what I am telling you.  I am scared for him and for myself, for I like the pleasure his tool provides. But my big question is what do I do about this whole baby issue, will it eventually go away or will I have to to live with the consequences of not having any children of my own and just live each day to the fullest.  I don't know!!