My world

My world

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Breaking Point

So yesterday, was my breaking point, don't know if it is because I am on straight nights for a month or because my friend that comes every month is visiting.  But I am an emotional wreck.  I just lost it at work when I got there, this whole baby topic is getting the best of me.  That is all I see at work is pregnant people, I am starting to really hate going to work for that one factor.  It sucks..  Yeah, I know like everyone says if it is meant to happen it will.  What  a line of BS.  It hasn't happened people in ten years with NO protection.  I personally want it to happen but I am losing complete faith on the whole topic.  I am not sure if I am strong enough to with stand all these emotions that are built up inside of me.   This whole emotional roller coaster is killing me and I want to get on a much smoother ride.  What is truly happening here, am I getting punished for things I did in my past, because if that is the case, I wish I could erase some of the things I did in my past, But I am afraid it is too late for that.  I just have to live each day to the fullest and enjoy every waking hour with or without children in my future.

Friday, June 25, 2010


So I have been doing a lot of reading on this whole pregnancy topic and I decided that I am going to ask the doctor about getting on clomid.  It is an ovulation medication that is 30 % effective.  So hopefully within the next 6 months I will be with child.  I read in one article that the chances of having twins is about 50% so lets just pray that I am in that 50%.  One child is good but 2 right away would be better.  Then I don't have to go through the whole birthing process twice, once would be a charm.  I know I have heard many good birthing stories, but I have heard many horrid birthing experiences.  I think one time going through the whole deal would be PERFECT!!  
So getting back to the medication, which is completely healthy to take because it helps you increase your ovulation.  What the medication does is it helps infertile woman become pregnant.  It works by causing an egg to mature and be released from the ovaries.  Clomid has to be taken once daily for 5 days during the menses cycle.  So hopefully this medication will help me become pregnant.  The only bad part about the whole medication is the side effects, which could lead you to think you are pregnant even if you are not.  The other side effects of the medication include hot flashes, breast pain, and vision changes. None of these sound great to me. Not sure what to do.  It also stated that Tylenol helps with the side effects of the mediation.  I guess I have to wait to see how my clinic appointment goes at the fertility clinic in a month.  
Now, I am going to get into some personal issues such as how irregular I have been with my periods for the last 10 years.  I have always wondered how it would be to have a normal menses cycle.  I don't think I have ever had a normal month or a normal period.  So it all started on a sunny day back when I was 18.  Yes, I first got my period during the last month of my senior year in high school.  All my friends talked about how grown up they all were because they all had there periods before they were 13 years old.  Me on the other hand, kept quiet, and just pretended that I was experiencing the same thing.  Not so much, I didn't experience that until 4-5 years after everyone else in my grade experienced it.  Thankful for that of course.  But ever since than I have never had a consistent period.  
I can go one month without having it, to having it for one day of spotting, to having a very cramping menses that lasts up to 3 days. crazy as that sounds, I think it is from all the birth control I was on in life.  I  was on birth control for at least 8-9 years or longer, because the doctor tried to regulate my periods more, but I think it caused more damage than good.  I am not sure what to expect.  Now, my husband and I have a hard time conceiving  and we are not sure exactly why.  I guess with my appointment being less than a month away, I am getting more and more excited about finding ways how to become a mom.  I guess, if I can not have my own children, I will see if we can adopt or if we can take in foster kids, I guess I am not sure what these next two years hold for us!!  I just keep praying that the good lord thinks we are good enough to have a family of our own.  Or maybe he has other plans for us, we will see what happens.... I will keep you posted!!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Is this right or wrong

I have a friend at work who definitely does not want children and she is getting married in October to a man who wants a child very badly.  She told me last night that she is going to go and get her tubes tied  before she gets married because she does not want to take any chances.  Is this right, doing something that could affect her and her husbands future.  I explained to her that if it is that big of a deal she should discuss it with her boyfriend, if she is feeling this way about children.  She then told me that she isn't even going to tell her boyfriend, she is just going in and getting it done.  She also stated that it is her body and she is going to do anything in her power to make sure she never gets pregnant.  She is 26 years old, does she really know what she wants??  I didn't want children at that age either, but now 6 years later my mind set has changed, and I am having a hard time becoming pregnant.  What is wrong with people?  I guess, thankfully she realized it now before she has children and something bad happens..  What do you think about this situation?

Sunday, June 13, 2010

A bad situation mixed with good

I have this friend at work who is 21 years old and told me the other day that she has endometrosis really bad that they told she needed a hysterectomy within the year.  She was talking to me about this the other night on my morning shift.  She told me she told the doctors to hold back on the hysterectomy for 2 years so she can have a child or try to have a child, because she really wants to be a mom.  I thought well that is sweet, until I heard her plans.  The worse thing about this whole situation is that she is not married nor does she have a boyfriend.  She said that she was going to find a random guy in the bar and have a child with them.  I think that is a very unsafe thing to do.  I also think it is a very immature thing to even consider.  Just think of all the STD's that she could get or even worse HIV or AIDS.  A worse case scenario could lead to her death, for tricking the boy or just the night of fire and fun going wrong.  She thinks she is invincible.  I prayed for her at church today to find a different pathway for her misfortune and move on, she is way to young to destroy her life.  No one to share the love for the child with her but herself and family members.  This would be a beginning of a disaster.   I feel for her and her endometrosis but there has got to be some common sense too.  I guess after hearing about her story, I guess my life ain't bad.  I am just wanting a child of my own, but at least maybe with special doctors and tests, maybe it will happen within a year or two.  I am getting inpatient for my meeting with the fertility clinic on JULY 23.  I just keep praying that I will have an offspring by next year and Dale and I will cherish every living moment of it!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Good and Bad

Well, I am a new proud great aunt of Kenslee Elaine King.  She is a beautiful baby.  I am so excited for Jill and Vince, they will be Rawken parents.  Is it bad to say I am a little jealous.  Everywhere I go, I either see pregnant ladies or new born baby's and I guess, I just get a little bit upset.  Tearful and waterworks start to form.  Why is it that people who want children have to try so hard to have them, but people who don't want them have all the opportunity, and then they either have an abortion or an adoption.  It gets me so mad and hurts so hard.  I am a firm believer that Dale and I would be great parents.  I mean Brittany turned out great.  She was my niece who moved in with us about 2 years ago now, and she had a lot of problems.  She was on drugs, drank a lot of alcohol, and was in and out of police stations and court.  She moved in here, and yes she still drinks, but she no longer is on drugs or in court.  When she first moved in here she was on a down ward slope going now where and had no one that believed in her.  She also had no one  who cared enough for her to give her that extra needed attention that she needed and deserved. I am so proud of Brittany who is the daughter I never had or possibly CAN'T have.  I guess I have to be happy at what I do have in life, like a new home that is half finished; a wonderful man who I love and adore; puppies and kitties; and just everything else that life has to bring me, but I just wish I could have one child.  I guess we will see what my appointment leads to on July 23... Wish me luck!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Looking ahead!

Last night we had graduation for our nephew at the Wausau High School.  It was a nice ceremony for a high school graduation.  On the way to Wausau, Dale and I talked about what our future holds for us.  We are so excited that next year we will finally be living in our home.  If Dale and I do not get prego in a year, we are planning on adopting or doing foster care.  There are so many children who need foster care and there are not enough foster families available.  Dale and I have decided that is the next thing in our life that we want to do.  I believe that we were put on earth to help children.  I believe that would be very fulfilling.  I think it would be very rewarding to start a foster family even if it is only for  a little while.  I think the only hard thing would be is when they go back to there living situation, we would be heart broken .  I however;  read in the paper that you can be a foster parent and then adopt the child after a 6 month period.  I think that would be right up our alley.  I am getting so excited for the next two years I can hardly even sit still.  I think parenting someone else's kids was what what we were intended to do with our lives.  I personally don't think Dale and I have to have our own child to be complete or fulfilled, I think we are already complete without children and I believe we have a lot of love to share with any children.  

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Hard times

I am not sure if I am ready for this challenge.  I am not even sure if I am strong enough either.  I need encouragement or do I just need courage?  This past weekend was my weekend to work, and all hell broke lose, making me double think the ideas I have in my head.  I don't know if my readers know what career I have, but at times it is challenging and demanding.  I am a Nurse at a local hospital in Wisconsin.  I love my job, but like I said at times it can totally pull at your heart strings.  Well, this past weekend was a big challenge for me and this whole topic on babies.  I had 3 little pleasantly confused ladies who were greater than 90 years old and every time I went into there rooms they asked me, "Are you married?"  I would say,"yes for about 9 years now."  Then they would ask, "Do you have any children."   I would say, "No."   The one lady said, "Oh, kids aren't for everyone."  Which that comment wasn't the worst.  I just agreed and went on my way to my next patients room. The same questions were asked in that room, only her comment was, "I never had no kids either, I have been a nun for 85 years and I loved my nunnery."  Which  I thought to my self, does she think I am a nun?  But again I went on my way to the next patients room.  Her comment totally surprised the pants off me.  She asked, "Are you married"  I said, "Yes."   Then she asked, "Do you have any children?"   I said, "NO" then her surprising comment was, "Do you need someone to show you how it is done."  I looked at her in shock and said, "Okay now, I need to give you your blood pressure medication."  but the whole time I was thinking what nerve she has to say that to me.  I also thought, my blood pressure was rising and maybe I should take the medication myself.   But I gave her the medication and went on my merry way.   Lets just say be the end of the day I was totally ready to come home to the wonderful man that I love and adore!!