My world

My world

Friday, August 27, 2010

Tearful my life story!

Lately I have been an emotional wreck and I absolutely hate it...  I am not a person who cry's, what is wrong with me?  And you are probably thinking, you are pregnant, wrongo.... My friend is visiting.  I am just starting to wonder if I am ever going to become pregnant.  I am starting to think that I will never have that opportunity.  Is god testing us?  Does he have better plans for me and my family?  I am not sure, and I am not sure if I will ever know.
I want a baby, not because I WANT one; it is because Dale and I have so much love that we could provide for a child.  I want my child not to be afraid of her/his parents like I was afraid of mine.

Information about my life that has NEVER been posted or talked about.  When I was young, my whole life young, I only can remember a handful of good, happy thoughts.  I was a child of abuse, my dad would have anger issues and he took them out on us kids.  Anything that was in his hand he would hit us with no matter how soft or hard they were. If you cried he would hit you harder until you stopped crying.  Did you ever get hit with rubber hoses, metal tools, fly sweaters and not the flimsy part~ I mean the metal part, how about a tractor chain, sticks, and just about anything else for doing NOTHING wrong.   I remember my mom just sat in the back ground, ignoring the whole situation, like it wasn't even happening.  That is probably why I don't cry.  I never want to cry.  My husband always wondered why I don't talk and eat at the same time.  Well, if we talked we would get hit with his fork on the top of our heads.  The table was for my mother and father to catch up on the day, not for the kids to make nonsense.  I always felt we were a pain to have in there life and that we ruined there life.  Sometimes I wished I would die, just to make there life better.
I remember, a time in my senior year, where I lost most of all my friends because they claimed I was crabby all the time, I wasn't crabby I just shut myself out.  I was getting thrown out of the house, home life was getting worse and worse.  Beating were unbearable.  If I didn't have friends I knew they could never find out of what was going on in my life.  I wore baggy clothes to cover up the bruises and the welts. In gym class I never walked with my friends,  I ran just to get the anger out.  I have to say, I did loose a lot of my friends when I was a senior, but that is the only way I knew how I could deal with the pain and the emotional roller coaster I was riding.  I was hurt when my friends left nasty post its on my locker, but I was to the point that I didn't care.  I just need someone,one friend but at that point I had no one.  I had already chased everyone away.
I dreamt of a wonderful family.  I dreamt of having my friends family as my parents (you know who you are Shawn and Mel).  I was actually jealous of you.   I remember lying to my parents just to go out with my friends, lying got old in my senior year, I just couldn't deal with the lies anymore.  I couldn't deal with my self anymore.  There was times where I just wanted to take the razor out of  my shaver and just slash my wrist.  But, I knew that wasn't the answer.  Every day I was told I wasn't good enough no one would want me. I never did anything right.  I never could be good enough.  Don't get me wrong I totally loved my parents, I just feel they handled every situation the wrong way. And yes there was time in my life when I wished my dad was dead, but now I miss him completely.  He was a great dad when I moved out of the house, just the 17 years living with him was killing me.
As an adult, I look back and think, I COMPLETELY PROVED YOU WRONG..  I AM GOOD ENOUGH, I found my one true love, my best friend, and yes I AM GOOD ENOUGH.  I went to school and got my RN, and yes I AM GOOD ENOUGH, I built two new homes in my life and yes I AM GOOD ENOUGH, I have many wonderful people in my life and yes I AM GOOD ENOUGH.  I owe everything to you because I AM GOOD ENOUGH, and thank you for letting me think that I was never good enough because, it always made me want to prove you wrong, I always wanted more, because I AM GOOD ENOUGH.... And I am happy!!!

Thursday, August 26, 2010


Sometimes the hardest decision to make is the one that is best for you. But in the end you have to trust your heart to do what is right.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Adding more stress on to my life!!!

So, lately I have been in search for a new job, maybe a little less stressful.  Today, however I got a call from ASPIRUS and they offered to interview me.  I am so excited.  I have about 1 1/2 weeks until I get interviewed so I guess, I better get on the internet and look up good interview questions and information.  I am excited and hopefully it will be a dream job come true, but if not then I will just stay right where I am at, with a schedule that I hate but like.  I love 3 days a week, but hate weekends and I absolutely hate getting up at 1:30 am  in the morning.  I am not sure what I am going to do but wait until September because a lot of fun things are happening for us in September.  Wish me luck!!!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Results of fertility appointment RN #1

It totally sucked...... Sorry about the language, but I really need to get this off my chest...
So on Wednesday Dale and I had an appointment with Annette our fertility clinic nurse.  I guess it didn't go as we planned because Dale and I were so irritated when we left her office.  This is supposed to be the most special time 2 people share.  She totally pissed me off.  First she stated that I was not charting right, rolled her eyes and said, "What were you thinking, coming in here with a chart looking like this."  What the hell is she talking about, I did everything she told me to do.  What a bitch... I can not wait until I met with the doctors in November hopefully they will start me on some estrogen or clomid.  I personally don't think she knows what she is doing.  She does not make the environment very friendly or nice to come back too.  Dale now does not want to go to the last 3 appointments with me.  If you ever met my husband he is the easiest person to get along with.  But Dales and Annettes personalties didn't click, including my own personality.  We are supposed to meet every two weeks and again we have to wait FOUR weeks.  Not because of my schedule and not Dales schedule but because of hers.  I said to her well how about August 22nd, she said "No, I am on vacation, "well than how about the last week of august."  Her response was "No because I will be in the office a lone, and I not scheduling anyone that whole week."  WTF...  Why even have her office open that week then, what is she planning on doing, getting paid for nothing.  I am seriously writing a compliant.  I usually do not write complaints but this is a LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE and it should be enjoyable and exciting but she is making it very stressful and unbearable. I am so mad about it.  Seriously do you think I should write a complaint or should I just let it slide.
 Dale and I are seriously thinking about just holding off for a while because Dale is really stressed out about the whole situation.  I personally want to try for one year, and if nothing happens, we might be taking a trip to Africa or China to adopt our first child..  I guess I hope it happens for us because I just want to experience all of mama hood.... Not just bits and pieces of it...
Please give  me suggestions to what you think I should do, for this is a very exciting life changing time for Dale and I. I am just lost for words...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Appointment with Fertility RN #1

So today, I have an appointment with the fertility RN.  I am having so many mixed feelings about this whole adventure.  Yeah, it will be great to have one of these appointments behind us but we still have 3 more RN appointments before we see the doctor.  I am not all that excited about it. I almost feel like they are wasting our time.  I am not as excited about this fertility clinic as I was a month ago.   I guess I just want to hurry up and see the doctor. I do not care to play in my mucus.  I personally find it very gross.  I am not okay with the whole situation.  They said it would get easier, but it has not.  For me, it has gotten worse.  Who wants to play in there mucus, before and after they go to the bathroom.  I guess not me.  I keep telling myself that if this is the way I am going to get pregnant then, this what we will do, but I am loosing that momentum.  I am not sure what to think at this point in life.  Maybe for Dale and I, children was never supposed to be in the plan.  I am so confused and I have so many different thoughts, and I personally don't know which way I am being pulled right now.  I am lost for words.  I am positive but today, I guess, I just have mixed feelings and I am just feeling little down.  I am not sure where all these mixed feelings are coming from.  I am thinking it is either I am depressed about vacation being over or going back to work tomorrow.  I am just uncertain what life will bring for Dale and I.  I keep asking myself, "Would I be okay without children."  My simple answer to that question is, "Yes, if we turn into hermits and stay home all the time."  Otherwise no, I do not think I will be okay without children in our life.  A few years ago I was certain I NEVER wanted children in my life, but now I really want to start my perfect little family.  I just wished for Dale and I it wasn't so Dang hard.  I guess god has other plans for us or he just thinks we need to work extra hard to get a child.  I am going to do what it takes but dang, it is so hard to want something so badly and not be able achieve.     I asked Dale the other day how badly he wanted kids on a 1-10 scale and his answer was 7-8.  That to me is pretty high on the numbers scale.  I just hope I have the power to give him an offspring, and if I can't I just don't know what life's next chapter will bring for us.  I will keep you posted on my fertility appointment today..  Post comments if you wish....

Monday, August 2, 2010

Self Diagnosis

So lately I have been reading a lot of information on infertility and I think I figured it out.  All this time  I was thinking it was Dale but, I actually think it is me.  So again my friend visited.  Same like every month, 2 days of light spotting before and then one very mild day of bleeding and then one more day of spotting and then I am done.  Kind of nice, don't you think?  Not if your trying to conceive it's not nice.  Well, I am going to self diagnosis my self as having premenstrual spotting.  How original is that?  Seriously this is a condition.  It is spotting before the period because of premature breakdown of capillaries in the lining of the uterus.  When you have this you have a decreased production of progesterone.  Maybe if I get on progesterone I might end up pregnant.  But wait there is more, woman who have premenstrual bleeding have the tendency to be infertile or have higher rate of miscarriages. I don't want to have a miscarriage, so that is a little bit scary. I also read that this condition can lead to Premenstrual Syndrome, which I will discuss in a later post.  I guess I have to wait until November before I see a real doctor :) Getting more and more excited as the time gets closer.  Come on; November will be here pretty dang quick and we all know it!!!