Life and changes

So, I went to my fertility meeting on Thursday, Dale did not want to go with me, so I let him stay home.  He is just so sick of the teacher of the fertility clinic, I personally do not blame him.  I got up enough nerve to tell her that I was not coming back for our last appointment and that we were making other arrangements to learn the charting... Lets just say, she wasn't completely happy with me but telling you the truth, I really don't care.  It is supposed to be a happy time, but she makes it very stressful and with everything else I am going through right now, I can't deal with that extra stress..
So, were planning on just waiting for first appointment with the Doctor in Novemeber.  Hopefully that will go good and she will tell us what we want to hear.  Maybe we will get in earlier, because we are on her waiting list and we are number 3 on that list, wish us luck for that...
I have been having issues lately with my job and I really want a new one but, seriously I only work 3 days a week, is it really all that bad.  Not really,  I love spending all that time with Dale and when we take vacation, I only have to worry about 3 days, I am not sure what I am going to do...  I guess going to work at 3 am in the morning is what kills me because, I absolutely hate coming to work for 3 am but, at least I have a job...
I am looking out for online bushiness's so maybe one day, I will be able to be a stay at home mom, I guess first I have to find a business that I enjoy and secondly I need to become pregnant, so hats off to baby making~at least we will have fun.....

Challenges for the week

Yesterday, I had a phone interview for the operating room position here in Stevens Point.  I personally hate phone interviews because you never know how well they really go because you can't see the person through the phone.  I just hope they call back for a real life interview.  I just wished it would have went a little better.  I wished that every single job description that I read~ didn't read, experience needed.  That really puts a damper on finding a new job. But any who.....
So for the baby topic, we are not pregnant,  I am really tired lately and getting depressed but I think it has to do with the stress in my life. Dale and I are thinking of forgetting to do the whole fertility clinic here in Stevens Point, and maybe taking a trip to Madison for there in-vitro insemination.  I was told by a very educated doctor at work that they charge 600 dollars for the procedure.  Should we just go and spend the 600 dollars right off the bat or should we wait this whole fertility clinic thing out and possibly spend more money?  I guess, at this point I am not to sure what to do... What is your thoughts on the whole in-vitro or should I remain in my fertility clinic and see how it pans out..  I am so lost right now...

What to do....

So, I interviewed for a dialysis nursing position about a week and a half ago, and was turned down.  They wanted someone with experience.  I guess I was out bet by someone who has 6-7 years of experience in dialysis.  Good for her sad for me {tear}. I really wanted to get out of my job.  I guess the perfect job isn't ready for me yet.  I will keep looking.  I guess though they did tell me that they interview 25+ people and I was runner up.  But runner up is never going to get you a job unless, the other person drops out of the job.  I guess, I am on the path of looking for a new job... I just need something new!

3rd appointment with Fertility

Well, today wasn't so bad at the fertility clinic.  We discussed our next steps, and we also got moved up on the to wait list for the doctor, so that is very exciting.   The nurse told us today that I will need some shots in the butt for the process of becoming pregnant, I am not so excited about shots in the butt...OUCH...  Oh, and Dale the man who is completely afraid of blood has to give them to me.  God help us, guide him though the next challenges of our lives... Until next time, have a wonderful evening........

Changes

Change is supposed to be good, so why do I feel so wired and stir crazy.  You are probably wondering what is she talking about.  I had a job interview on Friday at Aspirus Dialysis clinic in Wausau, and I think they are going to offer me a job there. They are actually calling all my references!!  Which is a good thing, and I am Excited... Emotional as well.  I like my job now but it is too stressful and I just need something different.  3 days a week is nice but not if you have to wake up at 1:30 am in the morning.  You just never feel like a person.  The new job is 545 am-545 pm and occasional on-call.  It is all days.. Nice right.  Never have to work another Sunday, maybe one call but not have to dedicate the time to actually go to work then.
I am just not too sure about the drive to Aspirus 4 days a week.  It is 45 minutes one way.  Yeah, I know I have problems.  But it would be an AWESOME experience.  I just keep telling myself that it will be okay, but if I switch jobs, we may never get the loan to finish the house.  Dale says just take it, but I always look into the future and wonder what the future will hold for us.  Maybe I am looking to far into it, because they never even offered the job to me yet!  I am not sure, if I take a new job, where this whole baby topic will began.  Unsure of many things in my life right now, but, we will see....

Tearful my life story!

Lately I have been an emotional wreck and I absolutely hate it...  I am not a person who cry's, what is wrong with me?  And you are probably thinking, you are pregnant, wrongo.... My friend is visiting.  I am just starting to wonder if I am ever going to become pregnant.  I am starting to think that I will never have that opportunity.  Is god testing us?  Does he have better plans for me and my family?  I am not sure, and I am not sure if I will ever know.
I want a baby, not because I WANT one; it is because Dale and I have so much love that we could provide for a child.  I want my child not to be afraid of her/his parents like I was afraid of mine.

Information about my life that has NEVER been posted or talked about.  When I was young, my whole life young, I only can remember a handful of good, happy thoughts.  I was a child of abuse, my dad would have anger issues and he took them out on us kids.  Anything that was in his hand he would hit us with no matter how soft or hard they were. If you cried he would hit you harder until you stopped crying.  Did you ever get hit with rubber hoses, metal tools, fly sweaters and not the flimsy part~ I mean the metal part, how about a tractor chain, sticks, and just about anything else for doing NOTHING wrong.   I remember my mom just sat in the back ground, ignoring the whole situation, like it wasn't even happening.  That is probably why I don't cry.  I never want to cry.  My husband always wondered why I don't talk and eat at the same time.  Well, if we talked we would get hit with his fork on the top of our heads.  The table was for my mother and father to catch up on the day, not for the kids to make nonsense.  I always felt we were a pain to have in there life and that we ruined there life.  Sometimes I wished I would die, just to make there life better.
I remember, a time in my senior year, where I lost most of all my friends because they claimed I was crabby all the time, I wasn't crabby I just shut myself out.  I was getting thrown out of the house, home life was getting worse and worse.  Beating were unbearable.  If I didn't have friends I knew they could never find out of what was going on in my life.  I wore baggy clothes to cover up the bruises and the welts. In gym class I never walked with my friends,  I ran just to get the anger out.  I have to say, I did loose a lot of my friends when I was a senior, but that is the only way I knew how I could deal with the pain and the emotional roller coaster I was riding.  I was hurt when my friends left nasty post its on my locker, but I was to the point that I didn't care.  I just need someone,one friend but at that point I had no one.  I had already chased everyone away.
I dreamt of a wonderful family.  I dreamt of having my friends family as my parents (you know who you are Shawn and Mel).  I was actually jealous of you.   I remember lying to my parents just to go out with my friends, lying got old in my senior year, I just couldn't deal with the lies anymore.  I couldn't deal with my self anymore.  There was times where I just wanted to take the razor out of  my shaver and just slash my wrist.  But, I knew that wasn't the answer.  Every day I was told I wasn't good enough no one would want me. I never did anything right.  I never could be good enough.  Don't get me wrong I totally loved my parents, I just feel they handled every situation the wrong way. And yes there was time in my life when I wished my dad was dead, but now I miss him completely.  He was a great dad when I moved out of the house, just the 17 years living with him was killing me.
As an adult, I look back and think, I COMPLETELY PROVED YOU WRONG..  I AM GOOD ENOUGH, I found my one true love, my best friend, and yes I AM GOOD ENOUGH.  I went to school and got my RN, and yes I AM GOOD ENOUGH, I built two new homes in my life and yes I AM GOOD ENOUGH, I have many wonderful people in my life and yes I AM GOOD ENOUGH.  I owe everything to you because I AM GOOD ENOUGH, and thank you for letting me think that I was never good enough because, it always made me want to prove you wrong, I always wanted more, because I AM GOOD ENOUGH.... And I am happy!!!

Life!!!

Sometimes the hardest decision to make is the one that is best for you. But in the end you have to trust your heart to do what is right.