My world

My world

Friday, August 27, 2010

Tearful my life story!

Lately I have been an emotional wreck and I absolutely hate it...  I am not a person who cry's, what is wrong with me?  And you are probably thinking, you are pregnant, wrongo.... My friend is visiting.  I am just starting to wonder if I am ever going to become pregnant.  I am starting to think that I will never have that opportunity.  Is god testing us?  Does he have better plans for me and my family?  I am not sure, and I am not sure if I will ever know.
I want a baby, not because I WANT one; it is because Dale and I have so much love that we could provide for a child.  I want my child not to be afraid of her/his parents like I was afraid of mine.

Information about my life that has NEVER been posted or talked about.  When I was young, my whole life young, I only can remember a handful of good, happy thoughts.  I was a child of abuse, my dad would have anger issues and he took them out on us kids.  Anything that was in his hand he would hit us with no matter how soft or hard they were. If you cried he would hit you harder until you stopped crying.  Did you ever get hit with rubber hoses, metal tools, fly sweaters and not the flimsy part~ I mean the metal part, how about a tractor chain, sticks, and just about anything else for doing NOTHING wrong.   I remember my mom just sat in the back ground, ignoring the whole situation, like it wasn't even happening.  That is probably why I don't cry.  I never want to cry.  My husband always wondered why I don't talk and eat at the same time.  Well, if we talked we would get hit with his fork on the top of our heads.  The table was for my mother and father to catch up on the day, not for the kids to make nonsense.  I always felt we were a pain to have in there life and that we ruined there life.  Sometimes I wished I would die, just to make there life better.
I remember, a time in my senior year, where I lost most of all my friends because they claimed I was crabby all the time, I wasn't crabby I just shut myself out.  I was getting thrown out of the house, home life was getting worse and worse.  Beating were unbearable.  If I didn't have friends I knew they could never find out of what was going on in my life.  I wore baggy clothes to cover up the bruises and the welts. In gym class I never walked with my friends,  I ran just to get the anger out.  I have to say, I did loose a lot of my friends when I was a senior, but that is the only way I knew how I could deal with the pain and the emotional roller coaster I was riding.  I was hurt when my friends left nasty post its on my locker, but I was to the point that I didn't care.  I just need someone,one friend but at that point I had no one.  I had already chased everyone away.
I dreamt of a wonderful family.  I dreamt of having my friends family as my parents (you know who you are Shawn and Mel).  I was actually jealous of you.   I remember lying to my parents just to go out with my friends, lying got old in my senior year, I just couldn't deal with the lies anymore.  I couldn't deal with my self anymore.  There was times where I just wanted to take the razor out of  my shaver and just slash my wrist.  But, I knew that wasn't the answer.  Every day I was told I wasn't good enough no one would want me. I never did anything right.  I never could be good enough.  Don't get me wrong I totally loved my parents, I just feel they handled every situation the wrong way. And yes there was time in my life when I wished my dad was dead, but now I miss him completely.  He was a great dad when I moved out of the house, just the 17 years living with him was killing me.
As an adult, I look back and think, I COMPLETELY PROVED YOU WRONG..  I AM GOOD ENOUGH, I found my one true love, my best friend, and yes I AM GOOD ENOUGH.  I went to school and got my RN, and yes I AM GOOD ENOUGH, I built two new homes in my life and yes I AM GOOD ENOUGH, I have many wonderful people in my life and yes I AM GOOD ENOUGH.  I owe everything to you because I AM GOOD ENOUGH, and thank you for letting me think that I was never good enough because, it always made me want to prove you wrong, I always wanted more, because I AM GOOD ENOUGH.... And I am happy!!!

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