Appointment with Fertility RN #1

So today, I have an appointment with the fertility RN.  I am having so many mixed feelings about this whole adventure.  Yeah, it will be great to have one of these appointments behind us but we still have 3 more RN appointments before we see the doctor.  I am not all that excited about it. I almost feel like they are wasting our time.  I am not as excited about this fertility clinic as I was a month ago.   I guess I just want to hurry up and see the doctor. I do not care to play in my mucus.  I personally find it very gross.  I am not okay with the whole situation.  They said it would get easier, but it has not.  For me, it has gotten worse.  Who wants to play in there mucus, before and after they go to the bathroom.  I guess not me.  I keep telling myself that if this is the way I am going to get pregnant then, this what we will do, but I am loosing that momentum.  I am not sure what to think at this point in life.  Maybe for Dale and I, children was never supposed to be in the plan.  I am so confused and I have so many different thoughts, and I personally don't know which way I am being pulled right now.  I am lost for words.  I am positive but today, I guess, I just have mixed feelings and I am just feeling little down.  I am not sure where all these mixed feelings are coming from.  I am thinking it is either I am depressed about vacation being over or going back to work tomorrow.  I am just uncertain what life will bring for Dale and I.  I keep asking myself, "Would I be okay without children."  My simple answer to that question is, "Yes, if we turn into hermits and stay home all the time."  Otherwise no, I do not think I will be okay without children in our life.  A few years ago I was certain I NEVER wanted children in my life, but now I really want to start my perfect little family.  I just wished for Dale and I it wasn't so Dang hard.  I guess god has other plans for us or he just thinks we need to work extra hard to get a child.  I am going to do what it takes but dang, it is so hard to want something so badly and not be able achieve.     I asked Dale the other day how badly he wanted kids on a 1-10 scale and his answer was 7-8.  That to me is pretty high on the numbers scale.  I just hope I have the power to give him an offspring, and if I can't I just don't know what life's next chapter will bring for us.  I will keep you posted on my fertility appointment today..  Post comments if you wish....